An Everlasting Pursuit (PURSUIT, #3) Page 19

  17 – ADAM: Give in to me

  The day I lost my first-born child and came close to losing Taylor is also the day I saw her true strength. I arrive at the crime scene where Valerie held Taylor and Lindsay hostage, together with the police cruisers. Firefighters flow in from all sides to take the raging flames under control, and I see paramedics placing my wife on a stretcher. Her arms are wrapped around her upper body.

  Guilt pinches at my heart for leaving her alone today, more so with the sight of the dried blood on her clothes. Is she hurt? Did Valerie touch her? I rush to her side, meet her frightened gaze, and notice she’s pressing something against her chest. My hands lift up in fists, before they can make any contact with her.

  “Is that our...” The words stick in my throat and burn my tongue. She shouldn’t have gone through this alone. Valerie’s assault is something, but giving birth to our dead child without me and with all the pain attached to it shreds my heart into pieces. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

  She bites her lower lip, but tears flow freely over her cheeks. “She’s dead.” She loosens her hold around her body and opens up her hand that carries our baby.

  At least, I think that’s our baby, because nothing is seen clearly inside the blood-covered t-shirt. And I can’t, for the love of God, look at it directly without having my heart slashed into pieces.

  “She’s in Heaven,” I say, leaning down to kiss Taylor’s head. “With our parents.”

  The paramedics hurry her into the ambulance and transport her together with Bree and Lindsay to a local hospital for evaluation, while I follow them with my car.

  Two police officers show up at the hospital to collect their statements regarding the kidnapping. A doctor writes up a birth and death certificate for our baby, and a nurse gives her back to us in a tiny box.

  When everything is settled and Taylor is released from the hospital, we head directly to the cemetery where Taylor’s mother rests to bury our baby beside her grave. I’ve already arranged to get a stone prepared with her name and date of birth and death on it. It hurts me that she’s one of the rare angels whose dates fall on the same day.

  I find out about the truth behind Bree’s involvement in the kidnapping, and not the distorted version Taylor gave in her statement. How Bree made a fool of both Taylor and me, the two people who stood by her no matter what, is beyond belief and will without a doubt make it hard for me to trust another person as much as I did Bree.

  The money she tried to steal from Taylor and the company, the filthy tricks she played to estrange us. Is that really the doings of that sweet colleague I grew to like as if she was one of my own sisters?

  Instead of letting her languish in jail for the rest of her life as she deserves, however, Taylor decided Bree had had her punishment by witnessing the death of her sister and didn’t give away her connection to Valerie during her statement.

  With a condition, though.

  Only if she leaves California and never comes back. I didn’t have a chance to talk to Bree while police took their statement, but the terror I saw in her eyes while Taylor recited what she remembered from the incident assures me Bree won’t even mouth the word California, let alone come within a mile of its borders.

  The fact that my wife, the better half of my soul, has made such an immense decision while still suffering from the death of our child and having come close to death herself, both humbles me and makes me feel proud for having such a strong person as my partner in my life.

  She might be physically smaller than me, but the size of her heart makes up for the difference and more, and I can only look up to her and strive my best to be as wise and generous as she is.

  Days turn to weeks, and weeks to months. Both our birthdays and then our wedding anniversary go unnoticed because of the pain both Taylor and I suffer.

  Lindsay continues living with us, despite several pleas from her side to move out. Taylor tactfully uses her raw wounds as a justification to keep Lindsay staying with us, and every single time, Lindsay bows her head and obeys Taylor’s heartbreaking requests.

  I never thought living with a person other than Taylor would be this easy. Lindsay likes watching sports and makes an awesome game buddy. She cooks, too, and Taylor and I have gotten used to coming home from work to a ready dinner table. And the cute way she interacts with kids tells me she’ll be a great auntie, and that we should keep her close at all times.

  That is, if we manage to have kids of our own. Not because of Taylor’s infertility problems, but because she and I haven’t been husband and wife since we learned about our daughter’s malformation.

  Her pain is still fresh, and she holds onto it stubbornly, making it even harder to move on. I find her crying often, so frequently that it’s become part of our bedtime routine. I want to give her the space she needs, but at the same time, seeing her alienating herself from me, each day a bit more, gives me physical pain. And, I seriously don’t think it does any good for her, either.

  After six months of not touching her, beyond some random quick kisses, my body aches with yearning to feel her, give her the pleasure that might distract her from the pain, and reclaim her.

  Physical intimacy helped her once before to get beyond her agony; it will help her this time... if she lets me.

  I slip my arms beneath my head, lying down on the bed, watching Taylor through the open door of the bathroom while she prepares for sleep. She brushes and flosses her teeth, combs the long curls of her hair, and slides into a white, cotton gown. It may not be the most body-flattering gown, but like anything else she puts on, it turns me on right away.

  This time, though, I feel ashamed of the filthy thoughts running rampant through my head, and it angers me that I can’t share them with her anymore. I’m scared as hell that she’ll think of me as a superficial pig, or that I’ll find out she feels no physical attraction toward me anymore, while I’m bleeding with the need to have her love me back.

  Tying her hair with a bow at the back of her head, she steps into our bedroom, her eyes gradually lifting, then resting on me. A shy smile stretches her lips when our gazes meet, and I swallow hard with the pain of having to stay away from her constricting my chest. She used to smile and laugh mindlessly when she was pregnant. Will she ever be the same reckless, sensual woman again?

  I grab the bed sheets, throwing them to the foot of the bed. I don’t want her hiding beneath them. Not until I pour my heart out to her and hear what she has to say.

  She eyes the bed sheets suspiciously, but takes her place on the bed beside me anyway. I let my gaze sweep her body up and down, giving her enough time to be warned about my intentions. She doesn’t roll to the other side to avoid my gaze, nor does she make an attempt to touch me.

  “It’s been long,” I say. “Too long.”

  “Adam, I’m not ready.”

  “Ready for what? To love me?”

  “To get into the pregnancy thing again.”

  “Sex isn’t about breeding.” At least not always. “I can use a condom if that’s the thing stopping you. In fact I’ll drive to Walgreens now to...”

  “You don’t need to go anywhere. I don’t want to use any birth control, either.” She pauses, dropping her head down to her chest. “I don’t know if I’ll ever want to get pregnant again. What am I saying?” She smirks. “Of course I do want to get pregnant, but it was too painful. Holding our baby’s cold body in my arms was the hardest thing in my life. I can’t... I simply can’t go through it again. But, I don’t want to take away your chance to become a father. You want a family, you deserve to have one.”

  “Look,” I say and slip a finger beneath her chin to lift her face and meet sorrowful eyes. “I don’t want a family if you won’t be a part of it. I don’t want kids if you’ll not be their mother. I’m more than happy to have a life with you as two. You and I forever. Nothing and no one can change that.”

  “But...”

  “There’s no but. I want you, baby. And I swear
it’s not my overly enthusiastic cock speaking.” I grab her hand and pull it over my heart. “It’s my heart that can’t pass a day without you. It kills me that you’re pushing me away, while my only wish is to be a part of your life.”

  “But you are...”

  “No, I’m not. But I don’t blame you for it. I just want a little intimacy, in small doses, if you will. But, please don’t take away what we once had. The trust, the love, the oneness.”

  “You make me feel like a jerk.” She gives me a soft snort, her fingers caressing the scar above my heart.

  “You’re not a jerk, only a heartbroken mother.” I’m not sure if that last word was the right choice, but it doesn’t change the fact that she was and is one to our baby in Heaven.

  “In small doses you say?” Another hesitant smile brightens her face. She’s not taken by my words. Well, not in the wrong direction, at least.

  “Did I really say small doses? Doesn’t sound like me at all.” I reciprocate her smile and lean in cautiously for a kiss, my lips simply brushing the corner of her mouth. “Is this small enough for you?”

  “Hmm, I guess I can handle more.” She shakes her head playfully, and I move forward to graze her lips, only briefly, though, to leave her wanting more.

  “How about this?” I ask, although an alluring sigh leaving her mouth is proof enough for me to continue.

  “A little more, please,” she says, her eyelids half closed.

  I stick out the tip of my tongue and lick her lower lip. “Small, little. Not exactly the words a man likes to hear in bed.”

  She laughs, opening her lips, and all the patience I’ve been keeping escapes me. I capture her lips, relishing their sweet flavor, loving the taste of the victory of reclaiming what was once mine.

  She doesn’t push me away or remain frozen. Her fingers wander from my neck up through my hair, pulling me in as if she wants more. I give her what she wants and kiss her with the same ferocity that I used to, without holding back, and slide my tongue into her mouth. How I could have gone without letting our tongues dance with each other for half a year is harder to grasp than the proof of Fermat’s Last Theorem.

  She cups my cheeks with both hands, caressing my skin, and I pull her closer to me, never breaking contact with her lips, to make this kiss memorable for her.

  Even though my cock is urging me to get her naked under me, I don’t want to overdo it and scare her away. And a drop of tear rolling down her cheek is an indication to for me take it slow... real slow, until she’s fully onboard with it.

  I draw back only a little, still letting my lips brush hers, and wipe the teardrop away. “Everything is gonna be all right.”

  “I want to believe it.”

  I slide down over my pillow and pull her with me until she rests her head on my chest. “As long as you sleep beside me, as long as I hear ‘I love you’ from your lips, and as long as you let me love you, everything is gonna be all right.”

  The next morning, I wake up to an empty bed and empty apartment, just when I was thinking things between Taylor and I were brightening up. Panic overtakes me when I think about the last moments between Taylor and me. Did I pressure her, move too fast for her fragile emotions?

  Fuck. She wouldn’t leave me without first speaking to me, would she?

  I slide out of the bed, scanning around for any irregularities, and run to her closet. Her clothes are hanging at their usual places, just like her bags and shoes. That’s a good sign, right? Unless she decided to leave me on a sudden thought.

  No, no. I shouldn’t expect the worst. What would be her reason for leaving me anyway? That she can’t give me the family I want. If she tells me that shit one more time, I’ll go ahead and get a vasectomy.

  Despite my rationale, I call her phone and as soon as her voice mail picks up, I hurry into the shower, put on my clothes in a flash, and skip breakfast to arrive at work quickly, all the while wishing she simply decided to show up early at work.

  I curse audibly when I enter her empty office and ask Sabrina about Taylor. Only, she doesn’t know. I’m not enjoying this secrecy; much less I enjoy having to ask her assistant the whereabouts of my wife. Where the fuck is she hiding? It’s unfair and absolutely cruel of her to make me wonder about where she can be after all the assaults and kidnappings she’d faced. I’ll have to hire a PI to follow her around so I know every step she takes.

  I settle in front of my computer to work, but the numbers just float in front of my eyes. “Fuck, Taylor,” I curse under my breath. The sudden ring of my office phone nearly has me jumping to my feet. “Yes,” I answer, unable to keep the anger out of my voice.

  “I’m trying to reach you on your cell. Why don’t you answer?” Taylor asks, blame coating her voice.

  “Where are you? I’ve been dead worried since the morning.”

  “Had to run some errands. I’m home now. Guess I won’t go to work today.”

  “You don’t sound okay.” I’m so well-versed in the tone of her voice, I can tell without seeing her face that she’s up to something.

  “I’m okay. More than okay. We’ll talk when you come home,” she says before disconnecting.

  I force myself to work until lunch, but then all my self-control dissolves, and I find myself in my car, driving home with a quick stop at Walgreens to buy a package of condoms.

  Taylor is sprawled over the couch in the living room, watching TV. Lindsay is nowhere to be seen. “You’re home early.” She straightens up and tugs a thick lock of hair behind her ear.

  I take off my jacket, placing it on the couch, and settle beside her. “Couldn’t stay at work. You’ve got me worried, baby. Will you tell me what’s going on?”

  Her blue eyes flicker over to my throat, down to my chest in appraisal, quickening my pulse. She parts her lips slightly, sticking the tip of her tongue out to moisten them. I consider long and hard not to take those lips the rough way I’d like, as I used to.

  “What is it, baby? Why did you leave so early in the morning?”

  Resting her arm on the back of the couch, she moves toward me, her eyes fixed on my lips. “Won’t you give me a kiss?” she asks, ignoring my question, biting her lower lip.

  Hell, is she teasing me?

  Meeting her in the middle, I capture her moist, plump lips, and slip my arms around her waist to draw her body against mine. She moans into my mouth, when I thrust my tongue in. I’d have come home earlier if I knew I’d be welcomed this way. The scent of her fruity shampoo wafting from her hair fills my nose.

  I don’t close my eyes so I can watch her get lost in our kiss. The instantaneous blushing of her face stirs my cock into attention. And her hands, now massaging my chest, aren’t exactly helping with my devastating desire for her, either. Especially not when they move south.

  She should know I’m as easy as pie when it comes to getting turned-on, yet she’s not holding back a bit from our kiss, sucking my tongue, as well as pushing hers into my mouth, not breaking the contact even to breathe. I cup her ass and move her onto my lap, spreading her legs astride me, thrusting my cock against her pussy beneath our clothes. With the speed we’re going, it’ll be too painful for me to stop if she doesn’t want to go all the way.

  She pulls away and throws her head back, gasping at the intimate contact that we haven’t had for far too long, and I see her nipples harden beneath her blouse.

  While keeping a hand securely on her ass cheek to keep her where I want, I lift the other one up to her breasts. “Fuck, baby, I missed you.”

  Her answer comes as a whimper, and she slowly and steadily rides me, reminding me of the day she got off just by rubbing herself against my leg at her office. Seems we’re back to where we were at the beginning of our relationship; I’m chasing her relentlessly, while she’s dealing with emotional issues.

  Her fingers fumble with the buttons of my shirt. As soon as one is unbuttoned, the next one is being worked on, and soon, my chest is entirely bared to her enjoyment. Whether she’
ll truly enjoy it is a whole different animal. She presses her palms against my chest, covering my nipples, while her eyes sweep over my torso, and her hips move forwards and backwards in my lap.

  “I want you, Adam.” Her words pinch at my heart as do her lust-glazed eyes that are now staring at me.

  “I bought condoms,” I say, trying to sound nonchalant about it. I don’t want her having any doubts or fears while diving into the sea of pleasures with me.

  She shakes her head, and I notice tears welling up in her eyes. Shit, I’ve just reminded her of the baby, haven’t I?

  “What is it, love? You can tell me anything.” I move my hand up to caress her hair then her cheeks. “We can stop right now if it’s going too fast for you.

  “I don’t want to stop. I want all of you without any barrier between us.”

  “But...”

  She places a finger on my lips to cut me off, and I stop, wishing I could read her mind. “Our baby’s death wasn’t easy. A part of my heart will always beat for her. I’ll probably never stop hurting.” She pauses to wipe the tears away, but fresh tears keep coming. “You’ve given me so much. More than I could have asked for in a man. But it won’t be enough.”

  I swallow hard, my chest tightens with panic. Is she going to ask for divorce and seducing me to have sex with me one last time? “What do you mean?”

  “When I held our baby in my arms, something changed in me. I tasted the incredible feeling of being a mother for the first time. It was overwhelming and so beautiful. I want that again. I’m full of fear that we’ll go through the same pain, but I can’t stop dreaming about being a mother again. To my own child.”

  “Oh, baby.” I pull her in to embrace her, wrap my arms around this unearthly creature with no intention to let her go.

  “I want to have pregnant sex with you. I want to argue about which name to pick for our baby, what color to paint her room. I want my home to be filled with baby cries and dirty diapers. I want all of it... with you. Will you...” She pulls away and stares directly into my eyes. “Will you put a baby in my belly?”